Our secrets are safe.
I guess top secret doesn’t mean what it used to.
Former attorney general Alberto R. Gonzales told investigators that he could not recall whether he took home notes regarding the government’s most sensitive national security program and that he did not know they contained classified information, despite his own markings that they were “top secret — eyes only,” according to a Justice Department report released yesterday.[Washington Post]
If you’re handling top secret documents I would say, at the very least, it’s prudent to pay attention to where the fuck you’re taking them. Jesus, I handle my porn collection more shrewdly than that. Maxwell Smart would do a better job handling the nations interests. I have it from good sources that Alberto Gonzales is being considered for promotion to Police Squad!.
Whats up, baby! Or, Internet, I hate you.
This is a little late in coming, but screw it. It was a holiday weekend. So, Friday McCain announced his V.P. nomination and I am not ashamed to admit it, I was totally shocked. Why? This is why,
BAM!
Some people love her, some people hate her, some people could care less.
I am going to be honest here, for just a moment. I have been reading about Palin for a few days now, and if there is one thing that has made me ready to lock myself in a cave for 20 years and forget about the rest of you, it is the god damn blogosphere.
To hear the Right swing it, Palin is an “up and comer” in the Republican party, new blood and exactly what they need. Not only does she have foreign policy experience (being governor of Alaska… ooo it’s really close to Russia!) but she is a fiscal conservative who has never asked for anything from the Federal government. Ever. She is the Left’s worst nightmare as both a woman AND a Republican who is the epitome of family and conservative values. She has babies. LOTS of babies. She loves guns. She loves shootin’ shit. She may be related to Jesus. I may have made that last one up.
But according to the Left, zomg this woman is a MONSTER. A liar and a hypocrite. Her youngest son, Trig, is not actually her son, but her Grandson. The true mother is her oldest daughter, 17 year old Bristol. Who actually is pregnant by the way, and how DARE the Right claim Palin represents family values when she has a pregnant teen at home. If McCain HAD to pick a female running mate (heh) there are other Republican women much more qualified for the job. Women who support abortion rights. Therefore McCain isn’t a TRUE maverick (because a real maverick would have chosen a V.P. who supports something he finds morally repugnant, right?). Oh, and she is WAY to inexperienced to even be considered for Vice President (and are you fucking kidding me? Really?).
My point being, blog writers… Shut the fuck up.
Both sides want to act like THEY have the inside facts, and the opposing party and their related blogs are covering up the TRUTH. The other guys, they are the hypocrites. But not us, oh no. WE just want whats best for the NATION.
Politicians, you are all liars and crooks, or damn well close to it. Writers, you are drama queens just creaming yourselves for the next chance to act like a Martyr. And honestly, I hope you would. But, you know, for real. C’mon. I’ll even spring for the nails…
Deep breath. Ok. So anyway, Palin came in second place in the 1984 Miss Alaska pagent. I think we all need to remember, that’s the most important thing. Oh, and she has five kids, so you know she likes to fuck.
To soon?
Wednesday could have gone better. DNC Highlights
The third night of the Democratic National Convention has come and gone, and frankly it could have been a lot more interesting.
Bill Clinton’s speech was mostly boring drivel. That came as a real disappointment to those of us hoping for him to say something controversial, possibly racist. Not that I’m pro-racism. I’m just getting pretty bored with the general election at this point. Something interesting really needs to happen already. CNN had the right idea at least. Every time the audience burst in to tremendous applause (which literally was about every ten seconds) the camera would zoom in on the most bizarre people in the audience.
Check out 43 seconds in, where there is a woman who clearly wants to fuck Bill stupid. The best is 1:48 in, when the camera man decides to zoom in on a couple of the craziest looking ladies ever. Way to go…
It seems that there were some verbal slip ups from speakers as well. I won’t bore you with the details of them all, but I really like this one,
Biden, who was chosen by Obama as his vice president in part for his foreign policy resume, stumbled during his acceptance speech when he said that Obama suggested a year ago to send two more battalions to Afghanistan.
Biden meant to say brigades, which at 4,500 troops, are three times the size of battalions. [source]
It’s not the mistake that’s amusing. It’s this,
The slip was sure to be caught by Democratic opponents and the Republican National Committee responded with glee, zeroing out its Biden gaffe clock, which it created in the hours after Biden was chosen as Obama’s running mate.
According to the clock, Biden’s gaffe came four days, 17 hours and 59 minutes after his last one, when he called Obama, “Barack America,” during their debut appearance in Springfield, Ill. [source]
First of all, who says “gaffe”? Is that even a word? If it really is, it’s time for it to go. I don’t ever want to hear that word again, is that clear Republican party? Christ, you already have a candidate who is the oldest man running for office, ever. Now you’re going to start using Ye Olde English? Good call. You officially sound older than Jesus riding a dinosaur.
Second, the Republicans have a timer for when Joe Biden screws up a speech? Have Republicans heard of irony? Seriously?
Fine. I demand that a timer be set on the other candidates as well. I demand a timer be set for every time Obama pulls the race card, and I want a timer set for every time McCain’s PTSD kicks in and he starts frothing at the mouth.
On another note, we are looking forward to the upcoming Republican convention and McCain’s VP choice.
Keep reading! Or I will hurt you…
Convention News!!1! Srsly, like zomg!
The Democratic National Convention kicked off today. Joy…
V.P. Nomination - Obviously, the big news from over the weekend was the nomination of Sen. Joe Biden as Obama’s running mate. Some may consider that big news… I just can’t imagine why. It’s not anything against Biden, I just think it could be a shit flinging monkey and no one would notice the difference.
Clinton supporters found crying under bleachers - There were apparently some Clinton supporters at the Convention desperately clinging to the hope that she still has a shot. I have news for you folks… It may be time to grow up. HRod is officially a footnote, or maybe an asterisk. Did that make sense? Do I care? Stay tuned for the answer!
On Tuesday morning, several hundred loyalists marched through downtown, forming a 200-yard snake of Clinton insignia united behind a banner bearing their message: Hillary. Who Else? [source]
I have a suggestion for Clinton supporters who just can’t let it go. Start cutting yourselves.
HRod speaks - In an amazing example of contradiction and backpedaling, Clinton was present this evening at the convention and gave a speach supporting Obama’s nomination. Some highlights
when Barack Obama is in the White House, he’ll revitalize our economy, defend the working people of America, and meet the global challenges of our time. [source]
Isn’t that the exact opposite of what she said when she was campaigning against him? Literally, the exact opposite of everything she was saying earlier this year. This year! Look, I’m not surprised or anything, but it still makes me slam my head against the wall in frustration. Which explains all those bloodstains on my wall. I wondered were they came from.
Days like today make me want to build a giant cannon so I can shoot myself into space…
Things to look forward to - Bill Clinton has a speach of his own to give tomorrow night. Keep in mind he’s from Arkansas, so he is bound to slip some racism in! I am already rubbing my hands together in gleeful anticipation!
If you don’t have anything nice to say…
I personally can’t stand political mud slinging. Some Democrats though, are calling for a more slanderous approach.
Increasingly nervous about polls that show a dead-even presidential race — and no bounce at all from putting Joe Biden on the ticket — these[some]Democrats say it’s time for Obama to escalate his attacks on John McCain or risk blowing an election that should be theirs for the taking.[Baltimore Sun]
I don’t honestly believe this changes anyone’s opinion. If somebody is going to be swayed from a vote, it’s more than likely not going to be because the other guy made some stuff up about their candidate. So far, when you strip down their arguments against each other. McCain keeps saying Obama is inexperienced and Obama keeps saying McCain is like W. Bush but older. Like my underwear, those complaints are getting really stale.
At some point, one of them is going to have to do something drastic. Like promising to force Lindsay Lohan into hardcore porn. Or legally requiring Madonna be muzzled while in public. I can see how that might turn this election around.
Obama understands the plight of normal America
Obama and McCain continue riding the hubris express. Both of them keep yelling the same things at each other over and over again from across the room. Then Obama let this gem go on one of his campaign stops.
“I don’t think he[McCain] realizes what ordinary American families are going through. I don’t think the Bush administration understands what ordinary American families are going through. But I do.[LA Times]
Immediately afterwards Obama sneezed into a wad of hundred dollar bills before crumpling them up and tossing them into a nearby garbage can. No word yet on whether he took the limo or the helicopter back to his mansion to screw his wife on top of bulging bags with dollar signs on them.